Your marriage and your parents...the right level of attachment to your parents after you got married
Updated: Nov 22, 2020
Do you love your spouse??? Do you love your parents??? Who is first between them???
"Where there is selfishness there is no happiness!!!"
Sometimes you might get confused in your marriage because you love your parents very much and you love your spouse very much. You do not want your spouse to feel neglected or something but you do not want your parents to feel like you abandon them either. So what is the right standpoint regarding your parents? How much can you love them till you will hurt your spouse?
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For some of you out there this might not be an issue, but I can tell you that for some people this problem can lead to serious arguments or in some cases even divorce. But let me tell you something we did when we got married. Fortunately for us we did agree in this from the beginning of our marriage. (there were many other things we didn`t agree anyway) So we did try to explain to our parents that for us the first and most important person in our life is our spouse. And the reason why it is very important to do this at the beginning is because older generations will think differently and they will try to force/share on you their opinion. Not with bad intentions, they only try to help I`m sure, but they don`t realise that sometimes they will create more problems than help.
A very simple example was when we moved into our first home (which was in the same house with my parents just different floor) my mother in law came over to visit us. She came in, look around and in literally few seconds she started to explain us why we did wrong putting the sofa in that corner and the coffee table should be there and so on, so on, so on. First I did not know how to react but than I just told her that this was our house and if we want to put the coffee table in the corner we can. Then I asked her " did I go into your house and tell you that your table is at the wrong spot?" She did not say anything, but let me tell you that this was the first and the last time we ever had a problem with her again. She was the best mother in law a man can have.(believe me she must have been really good if a man can say that) Regarding my mother....that was a whole different situation. It was different because we lived in the same house, different floor but still close and we did share the garden and front yard . (believe me....worst decision ever!!!) Many times we had arguments because of that mindset difference I was talking about earlier on. (if you are young and you have the possibility, move out in a different house) If my wife had an argument with my mother, I was trapped in the middle and believe me it is not a comfortable situation. Fortunately I was wise enough to stick with my wife and not with my mother. But getting back to the question "how much can we love our parents and not to hurt our spouse?
Let us see what the Bible has to say about this.
In Genesis 2. 24 "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." this is only one example from the Bible but Jesus himself quoted this when he was asked about marriage and divorce.
In Mark 10:7-9 7,For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; 8,And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. 9,What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
As we can see in the Bible God commended us to love our spouse and be one flash not two. What we can see here again that God specifically pointed out not to divorce. In this case it is obvious that he/she has to be first before any other human being. Don`t get me wrong I do not want to suggest to abandon your parents completely. You have to love them, respect them and care about them, but not to place them before your spouse. Some people will have difficulties letting their parents go after marriage and that will create a lot of trouble in their relationship. If your wife will see you taking your mother or father`s side in an argument, she will feel left alone and abandoned.(she has the right so) She will immediately assume that you do not love her at all,because you chose your parent before her. If a man will see the same situation,he will think that you do not respect his opinion and himself. He will think that he is not as important to you as your parents. Do not do this mistake if you want to avoid arguments and trouble in your marriage.
If you are a parent and you read this blog-post you have to realise that even though it looks impossible to let your children go, you have to do it. If you love them and you wish the best for them, you have to avoid those type of arguments where your child has to choose between you and his/her spouse. It`s not fare to put them in the situation where they have to choose. If you are wise enough to realise this, you will encourage them to stick to their spouse and love/respect them over anybody. Always try to look into the situation from their side. I know it is not easy especially when we see that sometimes they do silly things, but let them realise that your advise is helpful and only try to advise them is they ask you. I know that you only try to protect them, but sometimes the best way is to let them experience the mistake and bare the consequences. We have a 19 year old boy and a 21 yer old daughter. I know that it will be hard, but we have to prepare our-self to let them go.
So I will finish here and I hope that you found it interesting and helpful.
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We wish we can inspire others with our personal experience and we do hope that some of you out there who have problems in your marriage will decide to fight for it and do not give up. So we will ask you to be so kind and share this post so others can see as well. We wish you all a blessed day and see you in the next one.
Attila and Julia .