Updated: Nov 22, 2020
We at hopeofmarriage.com are determined to try to inspire you and others, in the same time we firmly believe that there is hope for your marriage. Just do not give up!!!!
Where there is Selfishness there is no Happiness...
In my last post I was talking about "What women want?" and how can we actually understand women and their mentality. We can all agree that women and man are different and because of this difference both can have difficulty understanding each other`s mentality.
In many cases marriages will be destroyed because of this difference and lack of communication. Marriage counseling or couples therapy is useless if you do not understand this basic difference between man and woman.
So (because it is fare to look at this side of the coin as well) let`s talk about man and what they expect from their wife,or else let`s try to understand the mentality of man. We (man) are simple regarding our way of thinking. We do not over-complicate things, we do not do "spiderwebbing" we are more linear thinkers. ( You won’t find a formal definition of this term in the dictionary, but most married couples will recognize what spiderwebbing is. When our wife starts with this point and goes to that point but doesn’t finish that point before going on to another point, not finishing that point but doubling back to an earlier point. But somehow she always bring the conversation full circle and eventually finish all the points! Multitasking women are masters of this art. For husbands, who are normally more linear thinkers, this kind of conversation is not that simple. They are wired to finish one point completely and then move on to the next. So when his wife starts spiderwebbing, a husband is likely to get that blank, faraway look in his eyes. The wife notices this and says, “You’re not listening to me.” And here starts the trouble. So what couples must do is give each other a measure of grace. Husbands need to let their wives release their emotions and share their reports. Wives need to do this with as little spiderwebbing as possible, saving the longer versions for your friends.
Here’s how Dr Emmerson Eggerich describes the art of spiderwebbing in Love & Respect marriage conferrence video)
So we do know that women need love more than oxygen and they are very different than man, but in the same time man need respect. We (man) are ready to sacrifice our-self for our family but we do need a wife who respects us. We do not need so much of romanticism and 3-4 hours of talk as our spouse but we do want a hot meal, some free time to watch our favorite soccer match or rugby match. Many times this will create a problem when our lovely wife would like to have a chat about something but we do want to watch the match. Usually that is the time when she starts to say "you don`t love me at all" you don`t want to spend time with me". And for a man this is totally insane,I mean what is the connection between "I do not want to talk about uncle John having a new job or her friend who got a new stove, and not loving her???" For a man this sound insane but for her it`s not the topic what you are talking about but the time you spend with her, the attention you give her. It does happen many times that I am not really interested in the topic my wife starts to talk about but I do listen and I do engage in the conversation for her sake. This is what COMPROMISE means. Another great example how man and women think different is regarding flowers. When we got married i asked my wife what does she think about flowers ( I mean bouquets ). She told me that in her opinion that is a waste of money but she also told me that she does like potted flowers instead. OK I thought " No flowers needed just potted flowers". After a few years she started to complain that I never buy flower bouquets . I was like SERIOUSLY????? ( I mean she told me when I asked her that it is a big waste of money....) But than her answer was "yes I told you that, but I thought that you will realize yourself that I do need actually from time to time flowers" So there I was all confused about she telling me not to buy any because it is a waste of money,but than again she does need them. This is what I mean when I say that they over complicate things . At the end of the day I learned that even when she says "I do not want any gift for valentines day" that means she still wants a gift. If a man will tell you not to buy something he will mean it even after 10 years. You don`t have to "realize" or "feel" anything. Bu we are created differently and we are very different . Not wrong just different. One of us wants love the other respect and if you work together it is possible to for both of you to get what you want.
So what is the solution than for this difference? It is called compromise. I know that many times it is not really easy to compromise, especially if we had an argument, but in order to get harmony in our marriage we do have to care for each other and we do have to give up sometimes our will for the sake of peace. There is a reason why for christian people is more easier to compromise and give up their will compared to secular people. The reason is that in a christian marriage man is commanded by God to love his wife more than himself, to cherish and protect her even with his own life if necessary. On the other hand to the woman is commanded to submit to her husband and respect him. And both of them will do not because the other deserves it but because God commanded and we do want to please him with our obedience. If God so loved us that He gave his only begotten Son to die for our sins, the least we can do is to be obedient to him. If you are a secular person you might find it difficult to this "compromise" idea but believe me it is absolutely necessary if you want a happy marriage.
The reason I decided to share our experience with the world is that typical marriage counselling and couples counselling are not practical enough in our opinion. We think that a practical tip is more important than any theory without the real life experience to back it up. If you have any question please feel free to contact us and I will try my best to answer as soon as possible to your request. In the mean time please feel free to comment on our videos or posts and follow us for new videos and blog posts.
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I wish I can inspire others with my personal experience and I do hope that some of you out there who have problems in your marriage will decide to fight for it and do not give up. I wish you all a blessed day and I`ll see you in the next one.
Attila and Julia .