Updated: Nov 22, 2020
We at hopeofmarriage.com are determined to try to inspire you and others, in the same time we firmly believe that there is hope for your marriage. Just do not give up!!!!
Almost everybody would like to know what it takes to have a successful relationship or else a happy marriage. Most people though will not even try to find out what it is that you have to do, to have a great marriage. The university of Washington studied 2000 couples for 20 years ( yes for 20 years) to find out the key ingredients for a successful marriage. After 20 years of study they came up with two things every marriage needs to function optimally and that was Love and Respect . In several of blog posts I was talking about Love and Respect but not in depth,so today I decided to go a bit deeper and explain the importance of thees two key ingredients .
First of all let`s see why Love and Respect? Who needs love and who needs respect?Man and women are created differently. We do have different needs we do think different and our necessities in a relationship are different. That`s why many times a woman will complain that her husband is not loving her because he is not eager to spend hours of talking about everything but instead he is looking at the football match. Or he does not want to just go to the seaside and have a romantic walk for 2 hours but instead he is choosing to sit in the living room. Than she will start thinking ..."he does not love me anymore" . Is that true? No absolutely not. For a man it is not extremely important to say 10 000 times to his wife that he loves her. He does love her but he does not feel the necessity to say it so often. I remember my wife complained a lot about this and I did not have a clue what`s actually wrong with her? Well she needs to be loved..... period. That`s how she was created by God and that`s how her brain is wired. So when I realized that I have to say it even if I don`t think it is important,I started to say more and more.
At the beginning I did have to remind myself different ways to do it but later on it became kind of natural. Obviously it`s not enough only to say it, you have to act also according to it. And when I say act according to it I mean to hug her from time to time and show her that you appreciate her. This is again something what you (as man) do not really need but she does so you have to work on it to give it to her. Or help her out in the kitchen with the dishes ( this was something I "forgot" to do for more than a decade) or with cleaning so on so on ...I could go further and further but reducing to a sentence, a woman needs to be loved and she needs proof of this love frequently enough . So just try to give it to her and you will see huge improvements in your relationship. If she feels loved suddenly she`s not jealous anymore, she`s not so quick to argue about anything, she`s more forgiving and let`s not forget that she will love you back more than you give to her.
So women need Love ....and that will bring us to respect .
Well, man need respect as much as woman need love. For a man (and I`m talking about the wast majority of man) respect is more important than love. The example if you disrespect a man in front of his friends....well let`s just say that if you tell him you don`t love him it won`t hurt him as much as disrespecting him in front of his friends. If you speak to your husband with respect you can make him to move a mountain for you but if you shout at him you will get the opposite. Most likely he will just walk away, but you did hurt him very much. And this get`s us to the question about " why it happens in an argument that the man will simply withdraw from it most of the time and does not want to argue? " Again looking at the study made by the University of Washington 85% of man does not like to stay in an argument, they will withdraw from it and just leave. But only 15% of women will withdraw from an argument. He is withdrawing from the argument because for him it is an act of honor. It does not worth enough to engage in the conflict and hurt someone he loves. Do you think it is easy for him to withdraw and do not argue? No it`s not, but better do that than hurt the one he loves. In the same time this withdrawing for a woman will look like an act of hostility. She will think immediately that he does not love her. She will be absolutely sure about it.
So is this an act of honor or an act of hostility? Well both seems true depending on who you ask about it. For a man it is an act of honor and for a woman will be an act of hostility. But ones you will understand how is he/she thinks and you start acting selflessly, you will see that things will change.
I was asking myself many times in the past " Why is she arguing so much?" It looked like she enjoyed arguing, but actually she didn`t . It`s the gender differences again. She has to talk it out, but he is the opposite. He will just walk away. Many times it seemed like whatever I do she will argue but the truth is that it was only "honor-hostility".
We do have to compromise and act in such a way to consider the mindset of our spouse as well. That`s why my motto is " Where there is selfishness there is no happiness" Most of the time we are preoccupied with our-self and we self petty so much that we do not even realize that we should consider our spouse as well. Both sides need to compromise. This is a two way street. It will only work if both of you will be ready to work on it. There is no marriage counseling or couples therapy which will be able to help you if you act selfishly and you are not ready to compromise.
I know that many times you will ask yourself if it worth's the effort? Well my friend you made a promise in front of Almighty God. And maybe you think that oh I don`t believe that anymore or maybe you just did it because it is a habit, but do not forget that just because you don`t believe something, that doesn`t mean that it is not real. God expects us all to respect our marriage and He does expect from us to invest in it, time, love, patience and many times even to give up our truth for the sake of peace in our marriage. For secular people this might sound nonsense but Christians will know that God commended us(man) to love our wife more than our self, and we have to do it not because of her or because she deserves it but because of our obedience to God. And He also commended to our spouse to submit herself to the husband, even if sometimes it look`s like he does not deserve it. It is not your problem to change your husband/wife. Let God do the job, you just have to be obedient and do whatever He asks you to do. You will see that you will be rewarded abundantly.
Did you ever ask yourself why real Christians have less problems in their marriages? And I don`t even say that divorce between real Christians is almost non existent. When I say real Christians I mean born again people who really want to live their life to please God and his son Jesus Christ. They do want to be obedient to Jesus out of love and to live for his glory. Is it possible to do these things if you are a secular person? Absolutely yes. It will be more difficult because of the different mentality but it is possible.
So let`s see an illustration about different type of marriages. This illustration is made from statistics available online, and I do hope that you will understand the point of it.
At the and I just want to close with the fact that there is hope. I do not say that it`s going to be easy or that it will happen over night, but if you are willing to work for it you can actually get a happy marriage.
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I wish I can inspire others with my personal experience and I do hope that some of you out there who have problems in your marriage will decide to fight for it and do not give up. I wish you all a blessed day and I`ll see you in the next one.
Attila and Julia .