Updated: Nov 22, 2020
The hope of marriage and our children`s future
We at hopeofmarriage.com are determined to try to inspire you and others, in the same time we firmly believe that there is hope for your marriage. Just do not give up!!!!
Where there is selfishness there is no happiness...
First of all I would like to thank you for taking the time and read my blog.
Today`s topic is "Marriage problems and children". Most of the people will behave differently when it comes to children and marriage problems. Some of them will try to isolate them from the problem by lying and trying to keep all the problems secret, while others do not care if they know about the problems and the parents try to win them over to their side. Others are worried about their well-being and they try to explain them that it`s not their fault .....
Well neither of these examples are good.
Let`s take the first example. If you try to tell lies, or act in front of your children in order to protect them, they will feel that something is wrong, unless they are really small,but than again when they grow up they will ask you about it and you will have to answer them. I remember when we had an argument with my wife and the children did not hear us at all, but later on when we got together they asked us immediately . "What`s wrong between you?" You see they have a great natural sense about how you have to behave(love) with each other and if you don`t they will notice that straight away.
The second example is even worst than the first one. If you try to excuse yourself by telling bad things about your spouse to your children, well let me tell you this, you are hurting them more than you can imagine. A child loves both of his/her parents without exception. If you try to manipulate them on your favor, you will have to pay for that further down the line. Don`t forget that the ideal condition for your children without exception is when you two love each other and you are together. If you are separated, whatever the reason was they will be hurt.
The third example is when you do not lie to them and don`t want to manipulate them but explain to them. Realistically this version is the best wrong between the three.
I say the best wrong because it is still wrong but at least you try to be honest with them. Do not expect them to agree with you (except some extreme situations) because don`t forget as I said before, for your children the best possible option is when you are together. There are some extreme situations when it is better if not, but we are talking about normal wast majority every day situations.
But in order for you to understand why do I say that, you have to understand the children`s right place in your marriage. I say "the right place" because in many marriages a child (not the child himself directly) can be the cause of the problems. And before someone will get angry about this statement let me explain why. If you place your child between you and your spouse (either way) if you love your child more than your husband, you will create issues between you and your spouse.There is a God given order in the family and we should respect that order. Spouses always have to be more important for each other than children. A child is a blessing in a marriage but in the same time you can not love him/her more that you love your spouse. And let`s not forget that a spoiled child is not something you want to be proud of.
On the other hand many families adore their children more than anything. Again you have to make sure that you do not place your child on a pedestal and both of you bow down in front of him/her. I hope you get the point. A child will feel safe if he/she is loved but more importantly if he will see and feel that you love each other. They have to see that you are together no matter what. That`s when they feel secure. If he will see that you are arguing because you can`t agree if he should eat ice cream or not( if he is asking permission to do so), well that will cause division between you and your spouse.
On the other hand children are very good observers and they will realize this division between you and your spouse and from that time on they will use this for their benefit. So all the time when they want to eat ice cream,they will go to daddy because he gave permission before even if mummy didn`t want to. That is not a good idea and believe me when I say it that you will regret that in the future. We have two children (our son is 19 and our daughter is 21) and I can assure you that we`ve been there and we wish we would have done it differently. Do not forget !!! Never argue in the front of children when you do not agree about something. They have to see that you and your spouse are on the same page. They have to see that there is no point even trying to ask for something from one parent when the other one said NO. If you do not agree with the decision of your spouse on something, you will discuss it in private when the children do not hear it.
The second important rule is " Learn to say NO as well, not always OK". Children will test the boundaries all the time and if they see that they can get away with something once, they will try that again and again. No has to be always NO and OK always OK. Consistency in your decisions is very important.
And now let`s talk very short about a controversial subject and that is disciplining our children. Many parents will chose not to discipline a child and just let him/her decide on herself what he/she wants. Others over discipline (physical abuse) their children . I do not want to get to deep into this subject because this post will be too long than but let me tell you this. It is in the Bible that "But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons." This is only one example from the Bible where it is stated that disciplining your child is as important to him/her as feeding him/her with the best food possible. It is very important that your children will realize that there are authorities to be obeyed and to be respected. Those children who were not disciplined correctly, will never respect any authority including God and government or else the country`s law . We as Christians need to make sure that our children will know about obedience and respect towards God and authorities. Any discipline has to come from love for your child. You have to realize that even if sometimes it is difficult to discipline them it is for the benefit of their future.
So if you are thinking about divorce and you think there is no hope for your marriage, I will have to ask you to start thinking about your children and their legacy. What kind of example will you give them ? If you are really concerned about them, than you have to try every possible option to avoid divorce and give chance to your marriage.
If you want to see more of our videos and posts like this, you can subscribe to our YouTube channel or like/share this post, or simply contact us and let us know your question or concerns. I will try to answer as soon as I can. You can contact us on email email@example.com or on facebook https://www.facebook.com/hopeofmarriage We wish we can inspire others with our personal experience and we do hope that some of you out there who have problems in your marriage will decide to fight for it and do not give up. We wish you all a blessed day and see you in the next one. Attila and Julia .