Updated: Nov 22, 2020
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"Where there is selfishness there is no happiness"
First of all I would like to welcome everybody who took the time and read this post, and I really hope that it was helpful and inspiring for some of you out there. If you like these posts please feel free to share them and like them, subscribe to our site because all these actions will actually help to reach as many people as possible. The main reason I started this website and write these blog posts is to reach out for those people who have marriage issues and maybe they get some ideas and inspiration out of these posts and our stories.
So today let`s talk about something which is one of the most dangerous poison for our marriage these days and that is lying and distrust towards your spouse.
I do believe that every relationship should be built on trust and honesty because if these things are missing you will not have a happy and long marriage. Before I became a born again christian unfortunately I did lie for years to my wife and I am not proud of that at all. But if we are honest at least with our-self we do acknowledge that most of us do have some kind of secrets and we do lie from time to time but obviously we do not like to talk about that. I will tell you my example so you will be able to learn from my bad example and hopefully you will see that lying is not the right way to treat your spouse. These lies poisoned my marriage for many years and we had a lot of problems because of them.
At the beginning it started with small little things like I was in a bar with my friends after work and when I went home later she was asking me "where I was" and I did not tell her the truth because I knew she would give out to me why I did not go home straight away. So I better lied to avoid arguments. What I did not realise that further down the road this will create a lot of issues and obviously other lies. Than again that time I was smoking and she did not like that at all. I promised her several time that I would quit smoking but in my mind I knew I would not. I was too proud and I thought "she will not tell me when to quit or when to smoke" In my foolishness I did not realise that the reason she asked me to quit was that in my childhood I had asthma and she was concerned about my health. But anyway I was always lying and promising that I will quit tomorrow and obviously I was smoking on no bother. But the result was that she actually caught me several times, even though I hided my cigarettes and I did try as much as I could to hide the smell as well. She has an excellent smelling I can tell you that. So there I was piling all those lies and let`s not forget the fact that "a lie will give birth to another lie" So you think I just lie now but then I stop. It`s not going to
happen!!! Believe me when I say that it will not and you will find yourself in a situation where you will have to lie again in order to protect the first lie. So this is an evil chain reaction which will never stop.
Than again let`s not forget the second most important thing (which is the natural side effect of lying) the distrust. After she caught me so many times lying,every single time her trust in my word faded more and more. So than you would ask " why is she/he not trusting me when I say that I did not cheat on her?" Daaa... because you lied to him/her several times in the past. I really feel ashamed that I did that to her and I am grateful to God that I am a different person now .( but let`s get back to that later)
So like I said slowly slowly the distrust accumulated between us and than the third poisonous effect came along and that is jealousy. It is a natural reaction in my opinion when you do not believe someone, than you do not trust his/her word and obviously than you start being jealous. In today`s society they try to trivialise lying and people do sometimes "for fun". They do think that it is not a big deal when we just say "tell half truth or bend the truth".
What they do not realise is that they get so used to lying that after a while they will not even notice when they lie, and this will destroy relationships and families.
Lie is a Lie!!!! There is no small lie and white lie and so on so forth!!!
What happened to those times when lying was a shame??? There was a time not too long ago. You can ask your parents or grandparents. And no one likes to talk about this because they feel uncomfortable doing it. But I think you get the point I wanted to make so let`s talk about the change that happened in my life and how did I get rid of lying.
The change it happened when I got saved. I became a born again christian. And now maybe you say that "oh boy .... again some christian story". Unfortunately people do not take this seriously and they make fun of this most of the time, but I would ask you even if you do not believe in God please take the time and read this story to the end.
As I do respect other people`s mindset I do think that you will have some respect towards my believe and you will read to the end. Even if it will bother you or you will find rude what I say, I say these things to make you realise that lying is not that simple and not that non-essential subject when it comes to your marriage and your family. Did you ever ask yourself why real christian people have less problems in marriage and divorce is almost non existent between them??? What is different??? Do they not lie??? Do they not have secrets??? How can they be different than secular people??? They are different and they are not different in the same time. Let me explain this to you.
They have the temptation every day to sin but they also have power to fight the temptation. You see when you get saved your old life will be the past and your new life begins. And that new life is the complete opposite of the old one. You despise everything you did wrong in the past and you try and fight with all your power against those bad habits. You will know instantly if you do something wrong because the Holy Spirit will let you know through your conscience. And believe me you do wrong a lot of things. Even if you do not realise, or you do not want to admit you still do.
Once I had a conversation with one of my friends and He told me that What`s wrong with me? I`m a nice honest man and I kept the 10 commandment, so why should God send me to hell? So I asked him " when did you say last time something what was not true? Even if it is something not really important?" ( here I mean things like "I will be there in 2 minutes" but you know very well that it will be 10 minutes till you get there) he said " Well I think today" . OK I said "When did you take something what does not belong to you? Even if it was a small thing?" he said "today in Lidl I ate a strawberry while I was walking in the shop". OK and thirdly "when did you look at a woman (other than your wife) with the desire that you would like to have sex with her?" He said "Today..." So I said in 5 minutes I proved it to you that you are a liar, a thief and an adulterer. He was frozen for a minute. You see in the Bible that after God`s standards there is no category in sins. There is no small sin big sin. So if you steel a single strawberry (which is almost insignificant for Lidl especially when you spend hundreds of euros in the shop weekly) you are a thief , if you said something half truth or just bend the truth you are a liar and if you even look at a woman (other than your wife)with desire in your heart to have sex with her you are an adulterer ...so on,so on I think you get the point.
God`s standards are not as low as our standards. And because he is a just God he has to condemn you for your sins. God hates sin!!! But that is a different story..
So ( getting back to the story) as I was saying I got saved and immediately I realised the fact that my life and my habits are wrong and I do have to change them. I started to see my faults every day more and more. I did quit smoking for real this time. Than I read in the Bible that those who lie will not inherit the kingdom of heaven.....
"But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death."
There are many places in the Bible where Jesus himself talks about liars and believe me it`s not promising whatever He`s saying about liars. But if you read the Bible yourself you will realise that there are no categories in lying and it is a serious sin. The Bible will take very seriously this and actually it will list lying together with serious sins like murderers, sorcerers. So very soon I realised that I`m in trouble if I do not change. I started to fight against it (obviously I stopped smoking as I mentioned before) and with God`s help I can say I succeed. The effect from my wife`s side was great. As soon as she realised that I`m a different man and I changed, she started to build her trust again towards me. With time (because this is not happening from one day to another) her jealousy faded away and she could trust me again. I can not emphasise enough how good that feeling was when I could see on her that she`s trusting me again.
Than there was the next important mission to keep myself clean from lying!!!
I started to change my life radically and I decided that I will take precautionary steps so I would not find myself in a situation where I would feel uncomfortable to tell her the truth and I would want to lie. This is a very important step not only in regards lying but other territory as well like jealousy and distrust. The example if you know that your spouse would be jealous if you talk to other women or girls, well you should avoid those situations where you are alone with a different women or girl. Sometimes you would think that "oh she does not see me and it`s OK", "I mean we only talk" but maybe someone else will see you and after a month or so she will find out and she will ask you about that. Than you have the option to tell her the truth and have a huge argument or lie to her. Is it not better to avoid those situations in the first place??? Try to avoid being in any kind of situation where you know your spouse would not agree with you being in it. What I started to do, I was asking myself every time when I had to decide to do something or not " would I like if she would do this to me or not?". You would be amazed how many times I changed my mind immediately. If you keep yourself distant from those shady areas where you are "playing with fire", you will see that it will be much easier not to lie as well. To avoid getting into something is much more easier that getting out of it after you messed up already. So maybe you ask the question "what if I`m not a christian?" is it possible for you not to lie or not? Obviously it is possible but it will be more difficult to achieve that if you are a secular person. Why it will be more difficult? Because a secular person will not take lying so seriously as a Christian. You will think that it is permissible to bend the truth a little bit or just simply don`t say something if you are not asked about it. But a Christian knows that even if the spouse will not ask, he/she has to confess him/her because God will know everything. You can hide something from your spouse but you can not hide it from God.
But thank God our life has changed radically and our marriage is completely different now than how it was back than. We trust each other, we love each other and we respect each other. I could write many more examples but this post is getting too long now so I will finish here and I hope that you found it interesting and helpful.
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We wish we can inspire others with our personal experience and we do hope that some of you out there who have problems in your marriage will decide to fight for it and do not give up. So we will ask you to be so kind and share this post so others can see as well. We wish you all a blessed day and see you in the next one.
Attila and Julia .