Updated: Nov 22, 2020
Should you divorce or not??? Should you fight for your marriage or not???
We at hopeofmarriage.com firmly believe that divorce is not the best choice .
"Where there is selfishness there is no happiness."
First of all let me welcome you at our blog page and I really hope that today you will find something interesting and inspiring in this post or the other ones. I do want to encourage you to browse around and read our posts from different topics. If you like this post or the others please feel free to subscribe to our site and YouTube channel or like/share this post so others can see as well. By doing it you will contribute so we can reach as many people as possible.
But let`s talk about Divorce today and it`s negative effect on families and our children. If we look at the statistics today, it`s not very promising and it will most likely discourage you if you want to get married these days. According to the statistics almost 40% of the marriages end up in divorce. But that was even worse a few years ago because it was over 50% . So it look`s like we are going to the right direction but 40% is still exceptionally high. So what`s wrong than??? What are we doing wrong???
In my experience the biggest problem is the attitude we enter into the marriage in the first place. And honestly today`s society is kind of promoting divorce as well. When we got married we stopped having "my`n and your`s" and we started to have"ours". And we did really mean that seriously. But in today`s world people enter in a marriage and they kind of want to stay half way out of it. They want their privacy, they want to own personal things.
This is wrong. How many times did I see in a marriage that spouses have separate bank account, and they talk about their income as "my money and your money". They want to have personal privacy, like "do not read my messages in my phone or my messenger" , they have password on their phone and they will say "that`s my personal space". When I hear this nonsense I ask myself why these people get married at all? They should stay single. Why do you want to have secrets? Why she/he can not see anything in your phone? When you get married, you stop thinking on MY`N or YOUR`S and you start thinking on OURS ! When we moved to Ireland almost 12 years ago I remember at the bank the look at the ladies face when I asked her to open up a joined account with my wife. She was asking me if I do not want a personal bank account separate and than a separate joined account? She was looking at me like I was a freak. I was very close to tell her that the problem is not with me, the problem is with this mentality, what they promote. Let`s not even talk about the other thing, Facebook and Messenger account. I can tell you now (and that is an actual fact) that Facebook broke more families than the second world war. That thing should be erased from the face of the earth. WE do have a Facebook/Messenger account, but we have a joined account and we do know the password for each other`s phone. She can open up my phone any time and I can do as well. I do not want any personal space or any of that nonsense. You see when you enter into a marriage with the shadow of distrust and doubts (because that`s what these things are) you will condemn your marriage before it even started. This way people will enter in marriages with the wrong mentality. They will want to have personal bank account and personal belongings because they want to be sure if something goes wrong they have their own money to start over after separation. They do not commit them-self fully to that relationship or marriage.
That is absolutely wrong!!! That is being afraid of commitment!!!
They are afraid to commit them-self and say "I do not get married to be afraid of divorce, I get married to create a family and protect that family, be able to sacrifice for that family" They should not even think of the possibility of divorce. There is always a way to resolve marriage issues, especially if you do not let it escalate to a certain degree where divorce is kind of inevitable. OK but let`s say you already entered into a marriage with or without the right reasons, and you are thinking on divorce now. Why??? Because it is always the easier way to just walk away than to resolve the issues and compromise. And believe me, if you want to resolve your marriage issues you will have to compromise. Again you will have to forget about "My will or Your will" and you both should start thinking at "Our will". Now most likely many of you will say "yes but you don`t have a clue about my wife or my husband!" I do not have to have a clue about them. Whenever you got married you knew your spouse. Was he/she good for you back than??? My father used to say "You pick a flower you smell it". Nobody is perfect and every story has two sides(like a coin). If I listen at one side he is right, if I listen at the other side,she is right. Is it not interesting? How people can blame always others for their problems??? How many times I was talking to people about marriage problems I never heard
"I`m sorry it was my fault" but I did hear many times that "he did that or she did that"
Than you would ask the question why should I stay married? Why not just divorce???
And this is a really good question. Why? Well my friend there is a simple answer to that but you most likely will not agree with that. That answer is BECAUSE YOU SWORE IN FRONT OF GOD THAT YOU WILL STAY TOGETHER TILL DEATH DO YOU APART!!! And if that is not a strong enough reason for you the second reason is your children. Why would you punish your children for your selfish mentality? Do you realize that most of the children who experience a lot of arguments and unhappy marriage (not even talking about divorce) will actually have the tendency to divorce them-self when they get married? What kind of example do you want to set for your children? What kind of legacy do you want to leave? One of my friends told me his own story with his 6 years old daughter. (they got divorced recently) He said one day he was sitting in the living room and his daughter was playing on the floor in front of him with two dolls. As she was playing along she loudly held a conversation between the two dolls. She said " Hi how are you? My name is Jane and I`m divorced. I have two kids." At first my friend told me he didn`t even realise what was she actually talking about. But when she said second time, he was like "I actually froze for a moment". Than he started to explain to his daughter that divorce is not good and she should not say that. But than the first question from his daughter was "than why did you divorce with mummy if it`s not good?" You see even if your children are small in their subconscious memory it will be there that divorce is acceptable because they saw that example from their parents.
Do not forget that your decisions and actions will affect your children's life down the road. It`s not only you who bear the consequences of your decisions. It will affect them as well even if you do not believe it now.
For me as a Christian man divorce is not an option. And it should not be for any christian person. Why??? Because God commended in the Bible to every christian to stay together once you got married. It is not allowed to get divorced. (only if one of the spouses commit adultery, that is the only valid reason according to the Bible to get divorced) On the other side it is commended that the man must love his wife as much as himself and a wife must submit to her husband. This is where people should focus on not on them-self and their selfish desires. "I want this from my life and that from my wife/husband" ME, ME, ME, ME and ME !!! Try instead of ME to look into US, US and US.
If you want to understand more about christian marriages, and why a christian marriage has to be different than other marriages, please read this blog post.
( I do not want to get involved more in this topic because it would be too long) https://www.hopeofmarriage.com/post/why-a-christian-marriage-has-to-be-different-from-others
But I do think that if people would try to invest as much of energy in trying to repair their marriages, as much they invest in their selfish behavior, and look out for their personal interest instead of the families interest, I can tell you that it would be a different situation. Do you really think that giving up and running away from the problems will be the best example for your children??? Than some people say "Yes but I want to be happy. I live only once." You want to be happy on what cost??? Believe me
"Where there is selfishness there is no Happiness"
I do believe that the best possible action for every marriage is to stay together ( obviously there are exceptions where physical abuse or safety issues are a problem) and try to work on your relationship to make it better and happier. Every marriage needs a lot of work and investment of your time and will. But if you are willing to invest in it, the result can be excellent. You can have a happy relationship with your wife even after 25 years of marriage. Is it very easy??? No not at all. Does it worth the effort??? Absolutely yes because I do know that my decisions are affecting my children`s future at some stage. Instead of licking your wound and feel sorry for yourself, I would give you a tip. Try to change your mentality. Try to take decisions always with a question in your mind. "Would I like if she would do the same thing to me?" You will be surprised how many times you will reconsider your decisions. Secondly if you are a Christian you must ask yourself the question. "What would Jesus do in a situation like this? Did he ever act thinking on himself?". The answer is NO HE DIDN'T. HE ALWAYS SERVED OTHERS. In light of these questions you should reconsider your upcoming decisions.
I could write a lot more about this complex topic and I did try to keep it as short as possible but I do hope that you could find something inspiring in it. If you find it too harsh or too direct, my intention it was not to offend anybody but to wake up people to see the sad reality of today`s mentality. This mentality is poisonous and it is affecting almost every second marriage in this world. So should I be nice and pet you on the back??? No I don`t think that is a good idea. I am really worried about your marriage and that is the reason I wrote this post.
So I will finish here and I hope that you found it interesting and helpful.
If you want to see more of our videos and posts like this, you can subscribe to our site and YouTube channel or like/share this post so others can see as well, or if you want to contact us, do so and let us know your ideas or concerns. I will try to answer as soon as I can.
You can contact us on email: email@example.com or on facebook https://www.facebook.com/hopeofmarriage or you can just click on the "let`s chat" button on the bottom of the page.
We wish we can inspire others with our personal experience and we do hope that some of you out there who have problems in your marriage will decide to fight for it and do not give up. So we will ask you to be so kind and share this post so others can see as well. We wish you all a blessed day and see you in the next one.
Attila and Julia .