Updated: Nov 22, 2020
We do believe at hopeofmarriage.com that we were created different, man and woman. Not wrong just different!!!
"Where there is selfishness there is no happiness"
First of all let me welcome everybody who decided to take the time and read this post. I really hope that you will find some inspiration in this post and hopefully it will be helpful to you and many others. If you like this post please feel free to share,like and subscribe to our site, because by doing those things you will help us reach out for more and more people. Thank you for your support.
Not too long ago I wrote a blog-post about the "differences between men and women" and that was the first part of this topic. I mentioned in that post that we were created by God different, with different mentality,different behavior in certain situations. Because it was not possible to touch every aspect of this topic in that post alone, let me get into this Pink and Blue topic a little bit deeper. (If you did not read that post and you would like to, please click on this link. https://www.hopeofmarriage.com/post/differences-between-man-and-woman-pink-or-blue )
So we are different ( we all can agree on that) and as I mentioned in the first part of this topic, sometimes man and woman can say the exact same words and understand completely different things. But than how can we possibly understand each other if this is the case? First of all we have to admit that there is a huge difference between our mentality and try to understand our spouse in that certain situation. If you are self centered individual and you only care about yourself, this is going to be very difficult but in order to have a happy marriage you will have to change your attitude and give up your selfishness.
But let`s talk about this difference ...or else PINK AND BLUE .
A few years ago Washington university started to study the difference between man and woman. They started this study by analyzing children's behavior. So they placed two chairs in an empty room and they let in two completely strange girl and kept them in there for 30 minutes. After the first 3-4 minute the girls turned the chairs facing each other and they started to chat with each other. At the end of this 30 minute period they knew a lot about each other. Than this test was repeated for several times. After the girls, they let in completely strange boys in the same room again for 30 minutes. The boys sat down on the chairs and they did not say a word to each other in that 30 minute period. The same was repeated several times. So what can we figure out from this test?
For a girl/woman to speak to a stranger is easy, because they like to communicate face to face, it comes naturally for them. Getting into a conversation is not a problem, it`s a joy for girls/women because enjoy doing it. But not for a boy/man. He likes his quiet peace and he does not want to start a conversation so easy. Many times I was mad on my wife when we were travelling on train or bus, because after two minutes she started to speak with anyone who was around us and in ten minutes she knew every personal detail about that person. It really bothered me. I told her several times to stop and she did not understand why it is bothering me? To her that was something normal but for me it was weird. The same scenario is when you want to have a deep conversation with your husband. What is the most fearful sentence you can say to your husband?
Honey we need to talk!!! I guarantee you that every single man is like " What the hell did I do wrong now?" They do not like these long and cheese conversations because it is against their nature. Many times I had to keep my mouth shut and show interest in the subject (although it was not interesting for me) just because I knew that to my wife it is important. Why do you think that a man does not really want to go to counseling. Ask him if he want to go and you will see that 90% of the cases he will answer " what can I say to that stranger?" Man will react different because he was created different. He will open up very difficult especially with strangers. He does not like to chat with you or a therapist for two hours, but if it is necessary he will give his life for you or for your children without hesitation. That`s how he was created. NOT WRONG JUST DIFFERENT!!!
Sometimes you get into a situation where in the middle of an argument you will see that he just turns around and walks away . You will feel offended and unloved by that action abut the question is why did he do that? Because your body language was reflecting lack of respect. Women get carried away very easy in arguments and they have the tendency to put one hand on their hip and shake the other hand in front of the husband. That body language is really disrespectful to your husband and for him it will be obvious that you do not respect him. Many times women will think that if they will start an argument about an issue in their marriage (or relationship) they will achieve interest and attention from their husband. But it is very very important the behavior during the argument. If you(woman) will act disrespectful by any means, you will achieve the opposite and not what you expected. He will start acting distant and most likely leave the argument. You will achieve much more with respect than without respect.
That`s why in almost every relationships 90% of the cases the person who will start the argument is the woman. Because they feel much better if they talk about the issue, unlike the men who will most likely choose to just drop it and forget about it. And again the difference between man and woman in arguments. Sometimes you say to your husband (rarely happens but hopefully it does) "honey I am really sorry I was wrong" he says "OK no problem" But than you start again "you know I was wrong because I thought that".... He is like "I told you it`s OK, drop it" You see when a man tells you that it`s OK , than it is OK. There is no need for any explanation or any other detail, but you as a woman you need to talk it through, every little detail of it. Because communicating is in your nature, your brain is wired that way. But never forget about your spouse and his way of thinking.
So let`s just not forget in every situation that how much you need love from your husband, he needs the same amount of respect from you. Some times he might just turn around and walk away, but he does because he is afraid that the argument will escalate to that point where he will say something what he will regret later on. And there you go, in a second you find yourself in the crazy cycle. What is the crazy cycle? Unfortunately this is one of the main reasons why couples get divorced because simply they find it impossible to get off this cycle. This is when "without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love" and unfortunately this cycle will go on and on and on until there is almost irreparable damage in your marriage.( most of the cases it is irreparable unfortunately) It is absolutely important to realize and to get off this crazy cycle as soon as possible because this will destroy your relationship. Dr Emmerson Eggerichs explains this crazy cycle very well in his "Love and Respect" conference. ( in my opinion that is a very inspiring and helpful DVD)
This is a chain reaction which is really difficult to brake because it will take a big amount of effort and humbleness from both parts. If we look at it realistically, it is natural reaction from her to react without respect when she feel`s unloved. But in the same time it is again understandable from him to react without love when she behaves without respect. And then again there is the ten million dollar question. Who is going to start braking this evil cycle? It took me a while to realise how damaging this is to our relationship but thank God and his mercy we succeed to get off in time. If you are a Christian couple it will be a bit easier for you to deal with this but not a joyride by any means. I do believe that in most cases lack of knowledge about the opposite sex is the issue. Because we do not understand our spouse`s actions in many situations and his/her mentality, we miss-read the signs and we will easily find our-self on the Crazy cycle in no time. And let`s not forget that once you are on it, getting off it will be ten times more difficult than getting on it.
And lastly let`s talk about the mistake what 98% of woman will make, and that is
"I will change my husband`s behavior" My wife did the same mistake and it took her a good few years to realise that it is absolutely impossible to do it. If you will try to change a man`s nature, you will fail. God created him different, why would you want to change him? Do you think that you can do a better job than God himself? I can tell you from personal experience that you will do much better if you accept him as he is with his faults, because we can not forget that every coin has two sides. You will have your own faults as well and he might not like them the same as you don`t like his faults) Nobody is perfect and you will achieve more if he can see that you accepted him as he is and than you can respectfully suggest him to try to change those things. My wife never liked my straight forward,direct nature and she thought that she will change me. She wanted to make me softer much less direct with people. Well let me just say that....she gave up after 6-7 years of hard work. If you(both) will treat each other as it was commended in the Bible by God, you will see that these issues will slowly slowly disappear. Both of you should focus on the task God gave you and not to change the other one. God commended to all men to "Love his wife as much as his own flash" and "to all women to submit to their husband" Since we both focus on our own task and we try as much as we can to fulfill it, our marriage has changed tremendously, and we love and respect each other more than ever. Was it easy? Not at all. Did it happen over night? No it didn`t. But looking back at all the bumps and obstacles I can say that it does worth every single minute of it.
So I will finish here and I hope that you found it interesting and helpful.
If you want to see more of our videos and posts like this, you can subscribe to our site and YouTube channel or like/share this post so others can see as well, or if you want to contact us, do so and let us know your ideas or concerns. I will try to answer as soon as I can.
You can contact us on email: email@example.com
or on facebook https://www.facebook.com/hopeofmarriage or you can just click on the "let`s chat" button on the bottom of the page.
We wish we can inspire others with our personal experience and we do hope that some of you out there who have problems in your marriage will decide to fight for it and do not give up. So we will ask you to be so kind and share this post so others can see as well. We wish you all a blessed day and see you in the next one.
Attila and Julia .